Saturday, January 24, 2015

Laying here fatigued beyond belief.  But thinking about next time I want a bath...what shall I do?  it took more than I thought I had in me to get out of the bath yesterday...was harder than any mountain I've ever climbed. 

Oh well...sigh.  Off to watch some life saver.
2015 Health journey


Wow....just survived another ill attack...just like the first time it happened in UK at Maz & Pete's house, then another in Boise at my mom & dad's...up to 3 now here. I thought this was the cancer...but apparently today adds the 4th. Have any of my RA, fibro/ME, Lupis, etc. peeps ever heard of I'll explain today: My back has been hurting this week (one of few things on my being that rarely hurts)...increasing to almost unable to walk...and hip was higher on one side...but nothing could get it back in place....and slowly my muscles have almost gone into spasm all over my body. So I decided to bathe...steam...and essential oils as if I end up in full body spasm...well, alone I am screwed. So 3 hrs in I finally get a massive pop and my back was straight... but pain still of course... so a further soak....Then the attack began....
I got really hot and spinny. I felt nauseaus but spinning so hard I could not figure out how to get to toilet to get sick. Then I knew I had to be flat and I may pass the bath not a wise thing to do. I was in too much back pain to get out of tub, roll over. or even sit I scootched to the end of the tub with the drain...I had to get close enough to pull the plug so if I passed out I wouldn't drown. meanwhile the spinning was so bad I could not even scootch back to a comfy place in the tub and was squashed up one side. In and out I could hear the new comedy 'Crims' in background, spinning round, nasea and screaming full body spasm... but water gone...about an hour later I was able to scootch back and another hour of trying to get myself out of the bath and back to safety of my bed. still spinning and disoriented I was finally able to get out of bath...but could not walk...I fell over on the wall...and couldn't even keep head up to toilet... so I layed there on the dirty floor, dirty laundry under my head and a bucket tipped on the side 'just in case'.... I finally got back into bed 3 hrs after the over heated spinning began. Does this ring a bell with anyone? It is terrible... and for the jerk off senator who talks about healthy looking disability folks....yeah I may jump out my car occationally... but this is what we suffer alone, in ashamed your world disentigrates in front of your face...and there is not a damned thing to help it. So fuck all the healthy people with arrogant assumptions. This tortuousness hell I have found myself is not of my bloody making....or my choice. This or traveling the world seeing all of the hundreds of amazing people I know the world over... yeah I choose this...sigh.  

ok back from rant...anyone? I'm not looking for cures or diet improvements...or mental healing techniques. I'm looking for medical I can research. This started in UK few years back...cancer gone...still happening (this worse and most dangerous yet frown emoticon ) doctors are idiots who hide behind pills and knives...done with for profit medicine, which includes much of the highly profitable alternative side...the real healers can barely afford to pay their rent and are rarely covered under the profitable insurance thay can't pay rent... and we can't afford them...cha-ching wall street and corp America livin high off it all tho. Disgusting US medical selfish, greedy and bloody inhumane... if we are this inhumane why not let folks chose to be free of torture? death row inmates have more compassion than the invisibly ill....last time I checked I was on the non-violence side of the world. ugg
not reading back...lucky to have gotten it out at all... now to poor body is wiped out.

... on the muscles...slowly I feel them getting harder and harder...I chalk that up to being in pain all of the time ...think of a time you were cold all night but too deep asleep to get up and get a held your muscles tight .... that's a bit of what I go thru with muscles. My one eye is now in constant twitch and its becoming painful to breathe ribs if you ever been kicked in the ribs by a sports guy...that achy, bruised feeling...where the rest of your muscles cramp a bit from wincing from pain. Not terrible, but I can feel them getting matter what I eat or do...just part of my ongoing decline. However, this attack is terrible...its not just a lil dizzy...the words I used don't even cover the tip of the iceberg...its worse than being tossed around in a massive wave, no control over anything...or stuck in a front loading washing machine when nearly passed out from a big fever...I wish I could explain it. It is worse to endure than my hanging was...if that gives a better pain level. I go into total crisis management... for anyone whose been in battle or a natural disaster... there is a place you go when it is serious life and brain goes to a different place... so much pain and chaos around you...on auto-survival mode it just takes over even when my internal battle is a fight only over centimetres and incremental movements rather than miles and land endures the same trauma.
On the chiropractor and massage and acupuncture end...I currently spend over $300 per month to pay for medicare and medigap insurance (yeah not as 'free' as they make non disabled folks believe)...which doesn't include the $300+ I need to spend on drugs (which I've all but stopped, can't afford them) Whilst I don't want to do doctors anymore I am terrified to stop the insurance as it is the only health insurance I can access anymore...EVER...if I let it lapse, no company has to ever again offer me medical coverage, even with Obamacare... thus I would lose any teeny tiny bit of control I still have over my own being or life. And this is what loss of freedom looks are free long as you can pay for it, that is. Good idea...I'll post in some auto-immune sites. and thank you for your prayers. Living one foot here and one in hell sure sucks...lemme tell ya. New euthanasia fan here.
I think people would be blown away if they knew what sick ppl are afraid to share. If you have someone near you who struggles with invisible illness... just because they have been silenced by healthy person dismisal...doesn't mean they don't experience it... just means they save your fragile sensibilities from having to hear the truth...and further have to retreat into isolation in the midst of a crowd.